Lost....

Lost is such a sad word. 

No one likes to lose anything or anyone.  I lost something this week... it was an opportunity.  I was taking care of a patient who, most likely barring a miracle, was going to die soon.  I had a student following me that day, helping to take care of my patient.  She asked me such a good question, and the moment was perfect, we were alone, except for my unresponsive patient, and it was so obvious.  She asked me how did I, personally, deal with death, as in seeing patients die on a somewhat regular basis.  I let the opportunity pass by, I even recognized it as it came, but shrunk back in fear to give her the right answer.  I felt the loss immediately after the moment passed.  And I still feel it now.  The student's instructor was asking me later how the student was doing emotionally with this, and she shared with me that this student had shown at a past time a questioning or a struggle with this aspect of nursing.  This girl needed answers and I gave her none that mattered. 

I want so badly to take that moment back, to tell her why I have peace, why I'm not afraid, why I have HOPE!  Lost is indeed such a sad word.  It is so forever, so permanent.  I pray that in spite of my unfaithfulness to "sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence;" 1 Peter 3:15, that God will allow this girl to hear the truth, through another means.  I gave up the privilege of sharing the reason for my hope, I gave up the privilege of being an instrument used of the Lord, I gave up an opportunity to glorify God by sharing what He has done, I gave up a chance for another to hear of Christ Jesus.  and why?  FEAR. 

Fear is a terrible thing.  Someone once said "if you do not have the fear of God, you will be afraid of everything else."  I did not have a proper fear of God.  There was a man of God in the time of King Henry VIII, the infamous King who had 8 wives and killed them for not producing for him an heir.  This man had an opportunity to come before this evil King, and through his mind ran this thought: Be careful what you say, the king is here, then came right after it: Be careful what you do not say, the KING of KINGS is here."  I allowed my fear of man to be greater than my fear of God.  I forgot that the King of Kings was there as well as this girl, and as well as anyone that could have walked in.  I was more worried about what she might think of me, than the condition of her soul and the just condemnation that she was under. 

This is not by any means a flattering post, and I do not take pleasure in displaying my unfaithfulness, but at the same time, I hope that others will learn from my failures.  And that I, too will be able to look back on this and remember this feeling of loss, and not let another opportunity pass by. 

Oh the terrible cost.

of opportunities lost.

God opened the door for me to walk through

but, I didn't listen, I didn't do

I rightfully feel shame

there's no one else to blame

Why didn't I speak?

what made me too meek?

Was that their only chance to hear?

Oh why! did I hang back in fear.

Lord, forgive me

the one, you've allowed to see

The truth, which I kept inside

about You, who, for me, died

Make me eager, my hope, to share

Today, Lord, this is my prayer

Expectations...

     I went to our first Doctrine Class of the year tonight. (we usually break for the summer) I LOVE doctrine class!  I am always so excited to start again.  We have been doing an overview of the bible throughout the past few years and are just starting the New Testament with the intention of going through the gospels by the end of next Spring. 
    Anyways as we started tonight one of the questions asked of us was what we expected or hoped to get out of this year's study.  I hadn't thought about it and didn't really have an answer right away.  But as I thought about what we would be going over and focusing on, there was one thought that permeated my mind.  What I really wanted could be simply summed up in a few words.  I wanted to know Jesus! 
   I want to clarify that I do not mean to say that I don't already have a personal relationship with Him, and don't already know some of what the bible has to say about Him.  But what I really mean is that I want to know Him anew, in a closer and deeper sense.  It amazes me that the more I seem to learn about Jesus the more I realize how little I know and how much more I have to learn.  I also know that the more I learn about Jesus the more I love Him.  I once read that if we loved Jesus as we ought to, everything else would fall into it's proper place and perspective.  I wish I could say that I know this from personal experience, but unfortunately I, all too often, am grieved by my lack of love for Him. 
     I remember listening to a cassette tape as a child called "Let's go up to the Mountain", on it they discussed the sermon on the mount (geared towards children of course) and they talked about how as we know Jesus more we grow closer to Him and love Him more.  The question was then asked "How do I get to know Jesus more?"  and it was so simply answered.  "How do you get to know anybody more?  by spending time with them!"  By being in God's word, studying and meditating on it and by going to God in prayer we develop a closer relationship to Him. 
     This is what I want.  I want Jesus.  I want my love for Him to increase to such an extent that it just oozes out of me and is visible by those around me!  I want them to see Jesus in me!  I wish that this could happen passively, that I could go to study, listen, and it would just become a part of me automatically.  But this is not the case, it requires me to move.  James says in chapter 4, verse 8, "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.  Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double minded."   To grow in my knowledge of God and in my Love for Him I must first draw near.  To get what I want out of this study, I am going to be required to engage myself wholly in it, not just every other Friday night when we meet, but in study, prayer, and preparation throughout the week.  My steadfastness in these things has always been an area of struggle, I grow lazy and weary, I oftentimes want quick results and am not patient in waiting for the Lord to work in my life.  I am so thankful that He does, and that despite my utter failures again and again, He remains faithful.

Lamentations 3:21-23   "This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope, the Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning, Great is Thy Faithfulness"

Philippians 3:8 "More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ,"