No one likes to lose anything or anyone. I lost something this week... it was an opportunity. I was taking care of a patient who, most likely barring a miracle, was going to die soon. I had a student following me that day, helping to take care of my patient. She asked me such a good question, and the moment was perfect, we were alone, except for my unresponsive patient, and it was so obvious. She asked me how did I, personally, deal with death, as in seeing patients die on a somewhat regular basis. I let the opportunity pass by, I even recognized it as it came, but shrunk back in fear to give her the right answer. I felt the loss immediately after the moment passed. And I still feel it now. The student's instructor was asking me later how the student was doing emotionally with this, and she shared with me that this student had shown at a past time a questioning or a struggle with this aspect of nursing. This girl needed answers and I gave her none that mattered.
I want so badly to take that moment back, to tell her why I have peace, why I'm not afraid, why I have HOPE! Lost is indeed such a sad word. It is so forever, so permanent. I pray that in spite of my unfaithfulness to "sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence;" 1 Peter 3:15, that God will allow this girl to hear the truth, through another means. I gave up the privilege of sharing the reason for my hope, I gave up the privilege of being an instrument used of the Lord, I gave up an opportunity to glorify God by sharing what He has done, I gave up a chance for another to hear of Christ Jesus. and why? FEAR.
Fear is a terrible thing. Someone once said "if you do not have the fear of God, you will be afraid of everything else." I did not have a proper fear of God. There was a man of God in the time of King Henry VIII, the infamous King who had 8 wives and killed them for not producing for him an heir. This man had an opportunity to come before this evil King, and through his mind ran this thought: Be careful what you say, the king is here, then came right after it: Be careful what you do not say, the KING of KINGS is here." I allowed my fear of man to be greater than my fear of God. I forgot that the King of Kings was there as well as this girl, and as well as anyone that could have walked in. I was more worried about what she might think of me, than the condition of her soul and the just condemnation that she was under.
This is not by any means a flattering post, and I do not take pleasure in displaying my unfaithfulness, but at the same time, I hope that others will learn from my failures. And that I, too will be able to look back on this and remember this feeling of loss, and not let another opportunity pass by.
Oh the terrible cost.
of opportunities lost.
God opened the door for me to walk through
but, I didn't listen, I didn't do
I rightfully feel shame
there's no one else to blame
Why didn't I speak?
what made me too meek?
Was that their only chance to hear?
Oh why! did I hang back in fear.
Lord, forgive me
the one, you've allowed to see
The truth, which I kept inside
about You, who, for me, died
Make me eager, my hope, to share
Today, Lord, this is my prayer